Tag: worst

December 21, 2017

“Blurtso has an eventful flight”

I’m sorry, said the flight attendant, passengers are allowed only one carry-on trombone.

I’m sorry, said Blurtso, my ticket doesn’t have a seat number. It’s open seating, said the attendant. Open seating? said Blurtso. Yes, said the attendant, you can sit anywhere you like…

Excuse me, said the attendant, but you may have to check that… Hello, this is your captain speaking. It looks like we’re going to be delayed a few hours on the tarmac…

It’s a zoo in here!

I’m sorry, said the attendant, no electrical devices during takeoff.

Would you like something to drink? said the attendant. No thank you, said Blurtso, but I would like something to read. We have a variety of newspapers, said the attendant. Do you have the Farmer’s Almanac? said Blurtso.

Yes, said the attendant, did you change your mind about the drink? No, said Blurtso, but I’d like to exchange my peanuts for pumpkin seeds.

Yes, said Blurtso, the vegetarian meal is mine.

Hello, said the customs agent. Are you bringing any fruit into the country? Vegetables, plants, seeds, or insects? How about animals or wildlife products? Cell cultures? Snails? Soil? Have you been on a farm or in close proximity of livestock? Fruit? said Blurtso. No, I don’t have any fruit.

March 24, 2017

“Blurtso joins donkeymatch.com”

Hey, a dating site! Maybe I should fill out a profile.

Name: Blurtso
Age: I don’t know, I’ve never cut myself in half to count the rings
Height: I’m not as tall as I think I am
Weight: That’s not polite
Self summary: I’m a sphere whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere

I’m good at: Filling out profile questionnaires

The first thing that others notice about me: That I accidentally stepped on their foot

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, food:

books: Remembrance of Pies Past (Marcel Proust), A clean, well-lighted bakery (Hemingway), Where is Ralph Waldo? (Emerson), What’s that in the Attic? (Emily Dickenson), Donkey Hotey (Cervantes), The Idiot’s Guide to Animal Husbandry

music: You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd (Roger Miller), L’apres midi d’une Trombone (Debussy), Bach’s concerto for trombone and cymbal in C flat minor seventh, Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata for Seventy-Six Trombones

movies and shows: Babbling Brook (ambient dvd), Ocean Waves (ambient dvd), Mountain Majesty (ambient dvd), The Jerry Remy Postgame Show

food: organic, sustainably grown, local, free-range, alfalfa-fed pumpkins (from Pablo’s garden)

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Thermonuclear physics, string theory, the event
horizon, if Pluto is a planet, how many angels can fit on the head of a donkey, what that smell is

On a typical Friday night I am:
Wondering what night of the week it is

You should message me if: You need an empty pie tin, you found my wristwatch, you lost your Wi-Fi connection, you have an extra pumpkin pie

Profile Photo:

January 1, 2017

“Blurtso makes a resolution”

It’s a new year… I guess I’d better make a resolution. Let’s see… “this year I resolve to…” hmm… “I resolve…” hmm… what does that mean…? To be “resolved,” to be “determined,” to be “unyielding in one’s purpose,” to be “intransigent,” “inveterate,” “obdurate,” and “inflexible.” Hmm, I don’t really like that. I think being flexible is the key to happiness. Of course, flexibility implies rigidity, that is, something to be “flexible” about. Hmm… what I need is a resolution that is both rigid and flexible… I know!… “This year I resolve… to be less resolved.”