Who’s your favorite Red Sox player? said Harlan. I don’t know, said Blurtso. How about you? said Harlan. I’m a Yankee fan, said Alex. Jeter? said Harlan. Of course, said Alex. We should go to a game, said Harlan. I can get three tickets for this afternoon, said Alex, but we’ll be in the sun in rightfield, so make sure to wear a cap.
Wow! said Blurtso. Look at that grass!
It’s the seventh-inning stretch, said Alex, where’s Blurtso?
You’re from Borneo? said Alex. Yes, said Harlan. What happened to your tusks? I had to sell them to pay for my flight. Wasn’t that painful? said Alex. Not as painful as keeping them. What do you mean? said Blurtso. My brothers were killed for their tusks. Oh, said Blurtso. Why did you come to Boston? said Alex. I’m a Redsox fan, said Harlan. Really? said Alex. Who’s your favorite player? My favorite player, said Harlan, is Big Papi. What’s it like in Borneo? said Blurtso. It’s beautiful, said Harlan, there’s more grass than you could ever eat. Do they speak English? said Blurtso. Yes, said Harlan, in the north. Are you a Hindu? said Alex. Yes, said Harlan. What’s a Hindu? said Blurtso. Hinduism, said Alex, is a religion that believes elephants are sacred. Really? said Blurtso. What religion are you? said Harlan. I don’t know, said Blurtso. What religion thinks donkeys are sacred?
That was a wonderful supper, said Blurtso. Yes, said Harlan, it was. But it’s sad to think, said Blurtso, that everything we ate was once alive. Yes, said Harlan, that’s true. I suppose, said Blurtso, that everything that is ever alive is eventually eaten. Yes, said Harlan, it is. Harlan? said Blurtso. Yes? said Harlan. I hope whoever eats me is as nice as you. Thank you, said Harlan, I feel the same way.
Do you have an iPhone? said Blurtso. No, said Harlan. Do you ever think, said Blurtso, about all the texting people are doing, and wonder what we’re missing? No, said Harlan, but I wonder what they’re missing.
Harlan? said Blurtso. Yes? said Harlan. Do you ever get frightened? Frightened? said Harlan. Yes, said Blurtso. Sometimes, said Harlan. Why? said Blurtso. Well, said Harlan, when you consider how fragile things are–life, love, happiness–and how they’re certain to vanish, and the nothingness that follows, it’s natural to be frightened… but you can still be optimistic. You can? said Blurtso. Sure, said Harlan, we still have a tin of chocolate, and plenty of whipped cream.
Big Papi, said Harlan, has sure come back strong from his injury. His injury? said Blurtso. Yes, said Harlan, his Achilles. His Achilles? said Blurtso, I thought Achilles was the name of a Greek god. Yes, said Harlan, a Greek warrior, but it’s also the name of the tendon that connects the heel to the calf. Are there other parts of the body, said Blurtso, named after people? There’s the Adam’s apple, said Harlan. Hmmm, said Blurtso, why does Big Papi grab his Hercules before each pitch?
What’s this? said Blurtso. It’s the Baseball Encyclopedia, said Alex, the complete statistical record of every man to ever play Major League Baseball. Wow, said Blurtso, it’s like a history book written with numbers instead of letters. Exactly, said Alex. Who is the greatest player of all time? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex. Or Ted Williams, said Harlan. Which one is it? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex, hit 714 homeruns, a record which lasted for forty years. Yes, said Harlan, but Ted Williams hit 521 homeruns, and he missed five seasons due to military service. So? said Alex. If he had played those years, said Harlan, and averaged 36 homeruns per year, which is what he averaged for his career, he would have hit 700 homeruns as well. Who had the higher batting average? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth batted .342, said Alex. Ted Williams batted .344, said Harlan. Who was a better defensive player? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex, until he got fat. Has anyone else hit 700 homeruns? said Blurtso. Yes, said Alex, Barry Bonds and Hank Aaron. Willie Mays hit 660, said Harlan, and he missed two years in the military, so he would have hit 700. Who is the best defensive player in that group? said Blurtso. Willie Mays, said Alex, but Barry Bonds was also exceptional. Better than Babe Ruth? said Blurtso. Much better, said Harlan. Then why, said Blurtso, isn’t Barry Bonds the best player ever? Because, said Alex, he played in the steroids era. Who was the greatest all-around player, offense and defense? said Blurtso. Probably Willie Mays, said Alex. Or Barry Bonds, said Harlan. But Babe Ruth, said Alex, is the greatest player of all time. Or Ted Williams, said Harlan.
Great game! said Alex. We’re 9-2. Only a game out of first!
We should play stickball tomorrow, said Alex. Stickball? said Blurtso. Stickball, said Harlan, is the street version of baseball. Yes, said Alex, some of the greatest players in history played stickball… they say Willie Mays was a 4-sewer hitter. A 4-sewer hitter? said Blurtso. Yes, said Alex, he could hit the ball four sewer manholes from the plate. Really? said Blurtso. Yes, said Alex. That’s remarkable, said Blurtso. Yes, said Alex. What’s a manhole? said Blurtso.
With all this snow, said Blurtso, I don’t think I’m getting enough exercise. Maybe you should do some tai chi, said Harlan. Could you teach me? said Blurtso. Sure, said Harlan.
We’ll begin with a simple circling exercise, said Harlan.
A little less like an airplane propeller, said Harlan, more slowly, and more side to side.