Wow! thought Blurtso, this wine is good! And so refreshing! When I touch the glass, the warmth of my hoof makes the condensation run down the stem. And the base leaves circles on the table. I wonder if I should drink the entire carafe? It sure is good. And very refreshing. It may be the most refreshing wine I’ve tasted. It was sure hot at the Tower. I didn’t think I’d ever get to the top. And all those people, they weren’t even sweating! I think they should install an elevator. Or serve wine. A glass of wine would have really hit the spot. I wonder if Picasso drank wine? I wonder if he sat in his museum with his paintings and drank wine. I wonder if he took his easel and his wine to the top of the Tower to paint the view… the view is nice from here. The street is quiet and the café is well-lit and clean. Hmmm, the condensation has formed a puddle around the carafe. I’d better pour another glass. I don’t want to offend the owner. I wonder if he drinks this at home? He said it was house wine, so he must drink it at home. I wonder how he makes it? I wonder if it’s hard to make something so good. Or easy. It’s certainly easy to drink. Wow! This second glass is better than the first! That’s amazing. I wonder if the second glass seems better because that’s what I’m drinking now? It’s nice when the second is as good as the first, and vice versa. There’s certainly a lot of pleasure in the liquid in that carafe. What an interesting word, carafe. I wonder where it comes from? Probably Africa. It has a long neck, and is good when it’s hot, and sounds like giraffe, so it must come from Africa. I think I’ll pour another glass. There’s only one left, and I would hate to offend the owner. What a great café. The Tower was nice, but this is a really great café.
What a colorful patch of flowers, said Blurtso, skipping across the field—red, yellow, blue, purple, yellow, red—and what a sweet spectrum of smells. Achoo!! he said, and sneezed as he said. Achoo!! Achoo!! Achoo!! he said between sniffle and wheeze. How silly to forget, said Blurtso, that the springtime makes me sneeze!
Big Papi, said Harlan, has sure come back strong from his injury. His injury? said Blurtso. Yes, said Harlan, his Achilles. His Achilles? said Blurtso, I thought Achilles was the name of a Greek god. Yes, said Harlan, a Greek warrior, but it’s also the name of the tendon that connects the heel to the calf. Are there other parts of the body, said Blurtso, named after people? There’s the Adam’s apple, said Harlan. Hmmm, said Blurtso, why does Big Papi grab his Hercules before each pitch?
What’s this? said Blurtso. It’s the Baseball Encyclopedia, said Alex, the complete statistical record of every man to ever play Major League Baseball. Wow, said Blurtso, it’s like a history book written with numbers instead of letters. Exactly, said Alex. Who is the greatest player of all time? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex. Or Ted Williams, said Harlan. Which one is it? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex, hit 714 homeruns, a record which lasted for forty years. Yes, said Harlan, but Ted Williams hit 521 homeruns, and he missed five seasons due to military service. So? said Alex. If he had played those years, said Harlan, and averaged 36 homeruns per year, which is what he averaged for his career, he would have hit 700 homeruns as well. Who had the higher batting average? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth batted .342, said Alex. Ted Williams batted .344, said Harlan. Who was a better defensive player? said Blurtso. Babe Ruth, said Alex, until he got fat. Has anyone else hit 700 homeruns? said Blurtso. Yes, said Alex, Barry Bonds and Hank Aaron. Willie Mays hit 660, said Harlan, and he missed two years in the military, so he would have hit 700. Who is the best defensive player in that group? said Blurtso. Willie Mays, said Alex, but Barry Bonds was also exceptional. Better than Babe Ruth? said Blurtso. Much better, said Harlan. Then why, said Blurtso, isn’t Barry Bonds the best player ever? Because, said Alex, he played in the steroids era. Who was the greatest all-around player, offense and defense? said Blurtso. Probably Willie Mays, said Alex. Or Barry Bonds, said Harlan. But Babe Ruth, said Alex, is the greatest player of all time. Or Ted Williams, said Harlan.
Two outs, bottom of the ninth, one strike from the championship… here’s the pitch… a swing… it’s a long flyball… the centerfielder leaps… she’s got it!… no… she drops it!… it’s headed to rightfield…
The rightfielder has it it!… no… he drops it!… but here comes the centerfielder!…
Break out the cocoa and pumpkin pies! We made a clean sweep of all the awards, said Pablo. Harlan won the homerun title, Alex won the golden hoof award, Bonny led the league in wins, I had the highest batting average, Ditto had the best on base percentage, and Blurtso hit into the most double plays.
ab h 2b 3b hr rbi r bb so hbp ba obp slg dp
Blurtso 89 11 0 0 1 4 6 0 51 0 .124 .124 0.157 26
Harlan 66 32 6 0 25 89 46 29 26 0 .484 .642 1.727 5
Alex 96 49 9 26 3 23 53 5 3 0 .510 .535 1.343 0
Ditto 1 0 0 0 0 6 52 86 1 7 .000 .989 0.000 0
Bonny 82 53 5 1 6 44 36 11 4 0 .646 .688 0.951 3
Pablo 75 56 24 6 9 77 50 18 0 0 .747 .796 1.587 2
w l ip h bb so hr era
Bonny 10 2 102 123 4 71 17 9.63